Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
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As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.