I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
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*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.