mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
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List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.