Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
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*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
When you don’t understand how floors work
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.