“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
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I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.