I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
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Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
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[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
My dad is at it again
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.