@abbycohenwl: I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I'm in there
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@david8hughes: Son: what will happen when I die? Me [lowers newspaper]: there'll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we'll turn your room into a gym
@_b1p0larbear: Thinking about kids? My son poured syrup in every floor vent. 11 years later it still smells like waffles every time the heat comes on.
@_Bad_Karma: HR says I'm no longer allowed to use Batman-style smoke bombs to sneak out of meetings because of some Health and Safety bullshit
@Tmoney68: Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean? Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day.....