Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
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Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
*limbos away from your hug*
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony