First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
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My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you