I need better friends
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{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Employees must applaud the planets.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.