I need better friends
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Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.