I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
2022 will be better than 2021
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya