I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
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Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
normalize having existential bread
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
True
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.