Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
You Might Also Like
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers