I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
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Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?