Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
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I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before