As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
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Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?