why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
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I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra