I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
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Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I put the p in pants.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up