I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
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Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
For the baby who has everything
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.