@hazelmotes1: I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.
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@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you? You didn't, the brakes did. Cop: But do you know why? Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot? Cop: Get out.
@0point5twins: QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS: 1. Am I pregnant? 2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
@RobertJrDowney: If Twitter was invented by a woman, The character limit would be 10,000 characters.
@carlyken: Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won't eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I'll hold. Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori