“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
That’s classic.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
man i love columbo
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.