@hazelmotes1: I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.
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@OctopusCavemann: Man: Is there a doctor in the house? Dr: I have a PHD in literature Man: This man is having a heart attack! Dr: Thou know'st 'tis common; all that lives must die...
@mewchainz: My sister said she had strange cravings and an enhanced sense of smell so she must be pregnant, but I secretly thought, "werewolf."
@mjkspeaks: [call] MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm. ME: idgaf about snow i'm a gangster. MOM: what? ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
@DothTheDoth: Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there's history.