*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
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You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
#NeverForget
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy