SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
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me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Is….Is this an option?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with