I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
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just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
#dnd #ttrpg
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
No way!
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”