@JermHimselfish: I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@_ElvishPresley_: ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
@IamEnidColeslaw: my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
@OneTrickTofani: *proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean* "I'll still marry you" No. I'm married to the sea now *dives in*
@stormy_hero: [at wedding] "I now pronounce you husband and wife." Couple kisses *yelling from the back row "AWKWAAAARD"