I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
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Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I want to meet the individual who made this
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.