I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
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my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
A woman drives into a bar.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
“What movie?” 🤔
that wasn’t the question
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.