I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
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Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Am I having a stroke?
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.