I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
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I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
just leave it at the foot of the bed
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again