I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
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“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
❤️❤️❤️
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.