Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
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I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
#winning
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Travel bloggers during quarantine
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Kids: Stay in school.