If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
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Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Boom, boom, ching!
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.