Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
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I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Every photo I’m tagged in
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
But is it really??
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”