I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
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That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,