@weinerdog4life: You can pretend you're a ghost at pottery barn, there's no laws against that

@ceejoyner: Sir, the breadsticks are limitless, not unlimited. You only get one but its potential as a breadstick knows no bounds.

@KeetPotato: [valentine's day] gf: [reading my txt] "keith just said he's going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight" her friend: "oh wow" [later watching shrek 2] me: "you look disappointed"

@ericsshadow: How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

@HidingNDAttic: ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!