cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
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“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.