@SumReecesPieces: "I need to talk to you." Has the power to make you remember every single bad thing you've ever done. Ever.
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@hdaniels_00: When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning", I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
@truegritrumble: *presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water* “Not again.”
@PlatinumShower: Every time the wife pisses me off, I hollow out her tampons and pack them with strawberry Pop Rocks.
@joeheenan: I've discovered my home doesn't have a basement. It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch