you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
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Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Name this drama.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.