“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
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A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.