I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
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THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
#oldknees
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
mood
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.