I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
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me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.