I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
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Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams