I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
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[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.