My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
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Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)