A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
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Thursday Thought.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”