I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
You Might Also Like
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.