I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
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A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.