*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
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Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.