I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
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[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Still my favourite meme.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles