I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
You Might Also Like
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo