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Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked