i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
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I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.